Through the act of teaching, we can become better students. I have decided to usurp a few questions from popular relationship advice columns. I thought about writing something humorous or absurd as a reply, but instead I decided to give it the old dropout-effort. This is the first one: (http://www.loveadvice.com/column.htm)
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Dear Dr. Tracy,
I need help. I'm 31 from Miami. I believe I'm running out of time to get married and have a family. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I like her and she is a beautiful person and dedicated to me. We live together and she is very special to me. However, I just recently met a girl that I had a sexual relationship with and a little more. She turns me inside out and can't stop thinking about her.
This new girl told me to erase her phone because I was never going to break up with my girlfriend. This girl has a lot of qualities I like plus when I see her I get tingles in my stomach. What should I do? Break up or forget this girl ever happened and get married with my girlfriend? I would highly appreciate your opinion.
Regards,
Tormented fellow.
--- Lucas' response ---
Dear Tormented Fellow,
I feel bad for you because you cannot see anything beyond what makes you the victim in this. I'm joking.
If you are 31-years old and have been with someone for 4 years and are not already married, you're probably not going to get married for the right reasons. I say this with conviction because after 4 years, you wrote that you simply "like" her.
A 31-year old man should have a good handle on who he is and what his reasons are for doing things; you don't seem to have this. If you do get married at this point, it sounds as if it will be because you feel guilt that it's what you should do, or you are scared that "time is running out" and you won’t ever find another person. The person you meet should never be a refuge from your fears. They should be a person you share the best parts of your life with. They should be a person who helps you work out the problems that come along in life. As long as the relationship is fundamentally sturdy, the extraneous stuff will work itself out.
The reality is that while you've been wandering along lost in life you have stumbled upon another person who reminds you that there is "more" out there than the relationship you do have. Knowing this, will you ever be able to be completely comfortable in your long-term relationship without having to deny who you might actually be? What if you don't want to be tied down? Is that okay?
I'd be willing to guess you're not an evil person, but you're clearly okay with hiding the truth from the "special person" you are with. The chances are that even if you do get married, you'll eventually run into another person who gives you the tingles which might cause another affair to emerge. The tingles are not about any one person in particular, but a feeling you chase from person to person. The tingles are a high you get from the idea of something new and exciting. The tingles are faceless and can travel from liaison to liaison, and you will chase after them because you are in love with the feelings of gratification, not a person. What causes one to need this supply of emotional gratification is different for each person. Some people do not have the patience to maintain a long term relationship, others may have a fear of settling and so they need the highs to keep themselves distracted from how shallow their relationships may actually be.
(I should say, however, that the tingles are necessary to start a relationship. If you've been with someone for a long time and do not have those feelings at least everyone once in a while, then it is up to you to make those happen. Try not to take the person for granted).
If the person you are with is truly special to you, tell her the truth and let her use the information to do what is right for her. The worst thing you can do in any relationship is waste another person’s time, or hide the truth from them as if you are doing it for their own good. I don’t' know how old your girlfriend is, but if she's anything like you, she's also worried that her time is running out too. If she knew what has transpired in your life, she might leave you, or she might stay, but either way who are you to keep her from the truth?
A lot of times, people have a hard time walking away from longer relationships because their inability to make it work feels like a bigger failure than the fact that love has somehow failed them (people should never feel embarrassed when love doesn't work). We all make mistakes. The mistake isn't that you slept around, that is only a symptom of the bigger issue. The mistake is that you haven't been honest with anyone for a long time, most importantly yourself. If you think marriage is a solution to your problems, then I should hand you a glass of water next time there's a grease fire.
Lastly, the fact that the second woman in this has told you to delete her phone number is a good thing because it lets you know she was obviously burned by the last spoken-for/married guy she tried to date.
Godspeed,
Lucas Molandes
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