Thoughts On Depression

I need to get some of the big questions answered today. Often times I look in the mirror just long enough to find a few new gray hairs, and make a quick observation that I ain't so young no more. That's simple. We all have those moments, but when was the last time I had a real honest-to-god existential staring contest with myself?  The emotional spectrum is there for us the way the buffalo was there for the Native Americans. Appreciate every part. That’s life, huh?

02.23.2011

Lucas Molandes

Have you ever seen someone smile after something funny happens? Keep watching their face. That moment after the smile vanishes, you'll see one of the more depressing expressions you'll ever see. Is it sad that I choose to see that moment? I mean, anyone can see the smile, but not everyone catches that moment. The smiles are the obvious moments. Why would I comment on something everyone can see? Is that supposed to make me happy?.

Should I be happy? I think that's where depression comes from. The idea that we have to strive for happiness at the expense of honesty. The real pursuit should be peace with what one is. Any emotion on the spectrum can be negative if one indulges to the point of obsession. To deprive oneself of experiencing a valid emotion is to add weight to a major failing in our society. Driving through the suburbs, the houses may appear orderly, trimmed, precise...but in any given home, there are gross mutations of the American Dream. They exist not because people are poor in cash and struggling to make ends meet. They exist because the life these people bought is a is as shallow as the advertising used to sell it.

Am I a depressed person? I believe that the topics that I find humorous or interesting exist in areas that could be classified as the wrong side of the mental tracks. Hmm...that reminds me, I'm living in Bed-Stuy right now, and a few people have frowned when I tell them where I'm staying because the area hasn't been gentrified yet -- i.e. still scary black. Bed-Stuy is to some people what 'morose' topics are to others -- it’s only as bad as your fears. Such topics aren't as bad as they appear if one shines a little light on them.

I can understand why people don't want to shine the light in that direction. The process of self-actualization is an never-ending affair. It requires you to explore all aspect of the human condition. But the act of exploring the 'depressing' side of life could be observed as extemporaneous, emotionally-charged, busy-work meant for over-zealous people who lack perspective and some how think feeling sorry for themselves is enlightenment. Examining the wrong side of the emotional-tracks can be seen as "looking for trouble," or "if he didn't want to be depressed, then why was he dressed that way."  Other people might be afraid of the emotional boogeymen, so they always shy away from the feelings of dread. 

If 'negative' emotions were just boogeymen we could ignore, I'm sure our society would be in a much better place --as that would make the cause of emotional turmoil a figment of our imagination. But in our free society there's definitely been an uprising of existential dilemmas.

A problem here is that there's a guilt in exploring our 'negative' emotions because we "have it so much better than other people." There are people being torn to bits in other countries, so maybe I should just keep my mouth shut about how my life/work/marriage has been a fruitless pursuit of happiness.

But this has to be flawed logic. If anything, you should live life in the most fulfilling way possible to show respect to those who never had the chance. I mean, we justify going on with our lives when someone dies because that's the way so-and-so would have wanted it. In fact, telling ourselves that we should just shut up and deal with it "because other people have it worse" sounds like using other people's problems as a scapegoat for why we are afraid to pursue our potential. Maybe we are afraid of being absolutely free because without structured limitations how can we define something as a success and something as a failure? Can you imagine how much false self-worth could be thrown out under such circumstances?

---a moment to clarify this point---

If you follow a path has been marked out by someone else then all you can do to gauge your successes or failures is to use previously established benchmarks to measure where and how you stack up. Should your self-worth be dependent on someone elses failures or successes?

If you instead pioneer a route that is completely unencumbered by tradition and history, then how will you ever know if you're advancing or regressing? What would the terms for success or failure be if you had no one to compare yourself to? In the absence of comparative accolades, one would have to make peace with the idea that all reward comes from within. This concept can be very disorienting. So the question should be, “well, where is the balance?” It depends on the day, the month, the year. There is no fixed point where balance exists. You are never the same person twice, and so balance can only be found through continuously pursuing yourself as honestly as possible. 

Life doesn't always end on a high note, and how it ends wont dictate overall success or failure. If it did, that would be tragic.

---end---

If you don't appreciate your life as it's own finite being, then looking good on paper when compared to someone less fortunate isn’t going to provide any peace. Do you think some guy in Cambodia would be glad that you shut someone up at the watercooler with the argument, "People are dying in Cambodia, so eat your daily serving of shit because it could be worse."

Honestly, do you think anyone anywhere really gives a shit about your life beyond using it as a way to gauge their own place in life? Hopefully the answer is yes. Regardless, it's easy to ask, "what's the point if our existence really doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme?" Well, that is the point, right? If nothing matters, then there are no limitations to how free you are because it does not matter. Once you give up on having the cliched concerns and pursuits, you're free to find beauty in the the fields where others find limitations. Or you could look at this as an excuse to give up. If nothing matters, why bother? Do whatever's best for you...

This is something I've been wrestling with for a while now. When I write, I don't write to sound melodramatic, nor does the process of writing make me sad. Yeah, the topics I choose tend to be the literary equivalent of me renovating a crackhouse, but at the end of the day, I can say, "I made this area a little more easy on the eyes than it use to be." Each day is about continually striving to make peace with the idea that the world will always make my guts uneasy, and appreciating life is...What am I trying to say? It can't be that simply put...I need flowery language to prove that I've made revelations about my own nature. At the end of the day, self-actualization is a blue collar affair, and we’re only paid what we’re able to appreciate.

You know what's good about writing? Whenever I'm done, I know there's still more to be written, and I know that my limitations will always exist beyond my grasp as long as I continue to reach for them.