Judging Me Judging You

And I had a thought the other night, as I was walking back to the car: depression has to be a measure of the difference between who we are and what we deny, and depressing is having to walk through all that misplaced humanity. 

03.09.2011

Lucas Molandes

"Life is the only creation of art I now know." -- Vijaya Thakur

The ego gets easily tangled in so many things. After watching someone who is brilliant at what they do, it's easy to say to yourself, "I'll never be that good;" or, "I want to be better than that." I've been there. I think we all have faced our perceived limitations in the light of another person's achievements. These days, I'm at a point where I see someone unfolding life into art and I say, "this is life being lived to the fullest. I want to appreciate what I have. I don't want to compare myself out of insecurity, I want to dig deeper." You know, all that life-affirming bullshit. Art should cause you to appreciate life, not your ego, I suppose.  

I was at a show not too long ago, and several of the comics were handing in lackluster performances, each quick to pass the blame off to the audience. And I had this momentary impulse that I experienced all the time when I first started doing comedy, which was, "man, put me up there, I'd knock it out of the park here!" And that impulse though a lapse in where I currently am mentally makes sense, as comedy in many ways is about seeking out approval. The problem is that form of approval is a currency that may not have any value when compared to the product I'm striving to put out. 

I caught myself in that moment, reminding myself, "I don't need to get up there and show people how funny I am when compared to the people who have already gone on stage. I'm not an approval junkie."

In that scenario, the best thing I could hope for is being considered better by comparison. Is there any value to any of the praise that would come in that moment? No. But if I readily accepted that approval, it would reveal something about myself: it says I need to be judged against people who may or may not even be my peers just so I could feel relevant or better. Is my writing and my creativity all based on such a fragile economy of ego? My gut says no, and I hope my actions fall in line with that instinct. It's hard to know when you're following your truth and when you're acting as a reaction to what you're afraid of. It's in those moments where we see the truly depressing specter of what a person thinks they are and what they really are.

I love/hate it when people come up at the end of a show and say, "oh, you were the best one up there tonight." This is not me bragging about shows where I've done well. I think most comics have experienced this interaction at some point. I can't help but feel the people who feel the need to judge everyone else to make you "the best one up there tonight" will never fully appreciate what you do. What kind of person would walk up to you, most likely ignoring the comic/person you're standing next to, and say, "You were the best one..." In the scope of all my career expectations, is it that I should ever find solace in the praise of these people? I understand why this sounds like a compliment, but I feel like this is ultimately about the person telling you that they judged everyone and you came out on top. Thanks, I'm glad you need other people to "fail" in order compliment me. 

A day later, I was at another show. The comics were all fluid and in the moment and it was a treat to watch. For a moment, I experienced some intimidation, that feeling of, "man, I'll never be this good."  Again, I stopped myself. Seeing people who are good at what they do should not scare me. Really, it makes me want to dig deeper to help continue the forward momentum of those who inspire/d me. If I can mine from my life the things that are most honest, then the only reward I should ever hope for is a reminder that we're not alone in this thing called life, but that's me, do what's right for you.