We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.Fyodor Dostoevsky
02.27.2011
Lucas Molandes
You're driving the down the road, making good time. The entire trunk, as far as you know, is filled to capacity with everything you'll ever need. You see something up ahead; it's on the side of the road. It's a person. They flag you down. Though time is of the essence, you pull over. The person hands you their bags. You check the trunk. There's just enough room for their stuff, but you don't have time to take everything out and rearrange. You awkwardly cram their bags in with the rest. Sure you could have done this step better, but getting back on the road is more important than getting it right -- you figure you'll have plenty of time to make things right later. Then you get back on the road. Though you're the first car to travel down the road in several hours, the person who flagged you down begins to wonder if they should have waited for another ride, too late for such questions. The sun begins to set as you continue driving towards that unending horizon.
---
In the final moments of the relationship, you experienced a moment of clarity: all the problems you've endured as a couple can be undone by one magnificent roll of the dice. This gamble feels as right as any of the gambles do when the only thing life has left you with is an amount that is perfect in its ability to mock you. Put those chips on the table, and then sweeten the pot by throwing in the keys to your sanity. Win, lose or draw, no matter how the dice land, at least it’ll be over. There’s some peace to be found in calling your own way out.
---
You're on a second date with someone you've known for a while. This person scares you. Not terrifyingly so, but in that sense you have a gut feeling this person might be right for you. You are peers, you get each other, you have similar experiences, you're both motivated and career minded. There's a mutual respect and sharing of perspective. Why couldn't this go well: making a relationship work would take more than you're able to give to it at this time in your life? At this point you're both running side by side, sure, but the paths you are on may diverge, and so making room for this connection means you'll be left with that much space to fill when this ends.
And you're not the kind of person to embrace short-term, shallow relationships for the sake of not being alone. You at least need the illusion of depth to put yourself in a position that could justify heartbreak, if that exists. As your friend told you, "heartbreak is nothing more than how much better the other person has it."
She reaches her hand out. It's soft. It feels good. There's the warmth of life to it that's reassuring. You know that allowing optimistic feelings in will only cause a greater fall. It's not that she will hurt you. You will hurt yourself, again, and again, and again. No one will lie to you more than you'll lie to yourself. You tell yourself to enjoy this moment, but everything that always goes wrong will not stop dancing the devil dance on your right shoulder.
The night continues on. The physical distance between the two of you has decreased. The moments of silence are filled with eye contact that is not aggressive but a playful juggling of the emerging feelings you share for one another. That this is only the second date was washed away several drinks ago, and a revelatory thought (you won’t remember later) enters your brain. The thought sets you at ease. You lean in and kiss her. How's your breath?
The thought which was the impetus for the kiss was that it's okay to experience the relationship you are incapable of having. Fast paced affection is perfect for people who don't have time for the intimacy found in the 7-course-meal, long term commitments. Intimacy can come in a lunch serving, quickly and sensibly proportioned for those on the go. The expeditied relationship is an agreement that exists because two people need a fling that will simultaneously recharge them and remind them why the plants of commitment need more water than is available in these times of drought.
Later on, you wonder when you'll have a handle on the fast paced nature inherent to the life you have chosen. Will there ever be a convenient moment for you to fully appreciate another person in a long term relationship, or are you unfairly using your fast paced schedule to hide the fact that you're unable of maintaining anything deeper? Later on, you'll wonder what could have been if you had met at a better time in each other's lives.
Maybe in three months, you'll both realize that you have no more relief to provide one another. Hopefully by then you'll both be adults about the break up. Hopefully by then you'll be able to appreciate sleeping alone again. Hopefully by then you'll have a better handle on what you really want. Hopefully by then, the second season of your favorite show will be available online. Right now, the light of possibility casts a lovely shadow on all of these fears.
You pull away from the kiss. She smiles. Your breath must have been fine.
---
You lay on your bed. You've been sick for a week, and you wonder if you will ever know what it feels like to feel healthy again. You try to remember a time when swallowing didn't cause a pain. You know there were moments when that was the case. You can see yourself downing a beer before your friends funeral. You didn't feel pain then, but the memory brings you no peace now.
---
You're standing in line at a hardware store. You hear conversation going on all around you. The words might as well be in another language. At this moment you're trying to remember the great idea you just had. It's futile. The idea is gone and you are sad, not because of this one idea leaving you, but because in this moment you feel the loss of all the times life took one away from you.
The person at the front of the line hands the cashier a bill. A moment of panic. You check your pockets again to make sure you brought cash. After a few moments of reaching, you feel something in your pocket that feels like money, but you won't be satisfied till you see it. It's the 5-dollar bill you were handed back as change for your slice of pizza last night. You keep the bill clenched in your fist, worried that it might disappear if you take your fingers off of it. You're holding on to it. This won't leave you. There's that.
--
Life is going well. You have a few plans for today. You call up a friend. They mention a television show you would like. "All the episodes are online," they tell you. After you get off the phone, you check out the first episode and are hooked. You find the rest of the season on the internet and download it. Within an hour you're watching the second episode. The second episode ends.
You look outside, it's only 10 AM. You figure that you have enough time to watch another episode and then you can get to enjoying your day off.
You look outside. It's 4 PM. You're 9 episodes deep in season one. No need for guilt. You figure if you were going to do anything today you'd have already done it. And there's always tomorrow. You get up. You make a sandwich and do a few stretches and then sit back down.
You look outside. It's 9 PM. There are 5 episodes left. You gauge the time. At this rate, you'll be done with the series before 1 AM. The show, as good as it is, has become more than a show. It has become a beast you must conquer. As long as there is more of this show to watch, it wins. And it's a really good show.
You watch the last episode and peace fills your body. The day is a blur, and though you're not quite sure what you've done, you've done it. You survived the journey through the manic atmosphere of impulsivity and anxiety and made a safe landing back on planet normal. You lay down on your bed. Looking forward to sleep you remember all that you saw, and you think about the things you really need to get to tomorrow.
--
You left the first womb when the water broke. You left the second womb 27 years later when the heart broke. You were reborn on this planet, classified as a man, but weaker than a 10 minute old gazelle. There were no instincts to guide you through this parentless world called adulthood. It can't be adulthood. Have you seen adults recently? You walk down the street and see grown men wearing an 80's t-v shirts. In a sense, you are a generation of babies in need of inoculation. Instead of the nurse distracting you from the needle, you're using nostalgia to distract you from life. And you pack your fragile existence in irony so as to keep anything from damaging that which is already broke. And then you wonder, maybe you're still in a womb, waiting for the next thing to break. What will you be then? What does it even mean to be a part of this life? Why do you experience joy pondering the future one moment and the next, you wonder if you ever knew what it felt like to be at peace? Then you wonder, was the peace you once knew just ignorance?
---
I spent a few hours on the trains last night. Riding through the guts of the city, I don't make eye contact with anyone. I stare at their shoes, their necks, or the ads that line the ceiling of the subway. I wish someone would sit down next to me and start a conversation. I couldn't do that. That's something a crazy person does. Well, the person to my left is sleeping and the people to my right are speaking French. I wouldn't know what to say to them. I always keep a small journal on me; it's perfect for these moments. I'll talk to myself. That's not crazy.
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you. etc. I. etc. us. etc. her. etc. them. etc ...
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